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Life Partners (Blu-ray)
"I just want to meet a guy I like as much as you. Is that too much to ask?"

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Paige (Gillian Jacobs) and Sasha (Leighton Meester) are soulmates. No, no, I don't mean that in some swelling-orchestral-strings flavor of epic romance kinda way, even though they are dialed into each others' phones as "Husband" and "Wife". They spend pretty much every waking hour together, and the two of 'em are so keen on sleepovers that they spend pretty much every not-waking hour together too. They call each other on the can, they guzzle entire bottles of white zin over weekly vivisections of America's Next Top Model, and they frantically text the microsecond a bad date is in the rear view mirror.

Speaking of which...! Sasha's somehow clawed her way out of the most excruciatingly awful blind date in recorded history, somehow enduring an evening with a way-too-dramatic egomaniac (Kate McKinnon) who lures herself out as bait for sex predators online. True to form, she immediately dials up her 'wife' to hear how Paige's lousy online date went. And, yeah, Tim (Adam Brody) does gives Paige all sorts of stuff to snark about, prone to wearing hipstery message tees and aggressively quoting his favorite movies. It's just that it's not so much how her date went so much as how it's still going, and there's enough there there for Paige to be game for a second date. And a third. And a fourth. And a...

Before you know it, Paige is in a relationship. Sasha tries to surprise her with a party after Paige wins her first big case at work, but she can't make it 'cause she's off celebrating with Tim. Sasha gets the DVR and two glasses of pinot grigio ready for ANTM, and...yeah, she winds up sitting on her couch by herself then too. I mean, it's not Tim's fault. The two of 'em were already pretty...[read the entire Blu-ray review of Life Partners]


Dark Haul (Blu-ray)
I'll say this, Guy Who Designed the Artwork for Dark Haul: you did your job, and you did it well. It's probably been twenty years since I last picked up a new release just because I was entranced by its cover art. You give me a winged demon riding atop a beaten-to-hell big rig, with the searing flames of a fallen metropolis in the rear view mirror, and I crack open my wallet. Totally fair exchange. Seriously, if there were a poster out there somewhere, it'd be framed and staring back at me right now. The $64,000 question -- or, well, the $24.97 MSRP question -- is whether or not Dark Haul lives up to its epic cover art. The answer, alas, is "no". It's not for a lack of trying, though.

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An ancient order braced themselves for the prophecized birth of the thirteenth child of a thirteenth child, ushering a monstrous evil onto this mortal coil. Part of the problem is that they didn't arrive in time to adequatedly prepare the incantations to destroy this abomination; the best they could do on such short order is contain it. The other problem is...well, what do you do when the Antichrist is born, and they're twins? Over the nearly three hundred years that follow, The Keepers never really figure out an answer beyond "keep 'em caged". The sisterly half of the equation, Zib (Evalena Marie), can pass for human so long as her inhibator shackle is up and running. Zib is saddled with the role of telepathically soothing her hellspawned brother, a winged beast you might know better by the handle of the Jersey Devil. Zib has a kind enough heart to want to keep her brother safe and the body count as low as possible. Sometimes that gets her the white glove treatment from her captors, but she never forgets that she's a prisoner. When Zib steps out of line, her shackle pumps her full...[read the entire Blu-ray review of Dark Haul]


New Year's Evil (Blu-ray)
"THIIISSSSSS ISSSSSSS EEEEEEEEVILLLL. REEEEEEEEEMEMMMMMBERRRRR MEEEEEEE?"

Oh, you don't? Hmmm. I guess I have to hammer out a plot summary after all.

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All hail our 43 year old queen of rock! Roz Kelly -- the once and future Pinky Tuscadero -- is woefully miscast as middle-aged mother Diane "Blaze" Sullivan, who for some reason is a punk/new wave icon all the way over in Los Angeles. Who gives a shit about one ball dropping? Blaze is ringing in 1981 with a television special counting down the new year across every time zone, throwing down when the clock ticks forward to midnight in New York, Chicago, Aspen, and, yeah, finally, L.A. You know how these things go: live music, "10...9...8..." countdowns, cheap champagne, sloppy kisses, bad decisions, and -- wait for it -- murder. An electronically masked voice like something outta The Phantom of the Paradise calls up Blaze's broadcast not to request the latest chart-topper by Kajagoogoo but to announce that he's going to murder someone close to her every time the clock strikes twelve.

In any other slasher, there'd be a whole whodunnit? angle as, one by one, everybody around Blaze is chopped up into fist-sized, bloody chunks. Since slasher conventions were still being ironed out in these early days, with production in full swing only a month after Friday the 13th first hit theaters, New Year's Evil veers off in a completely different direction. We get a good look at the killer (played by Kip Niven) within seconds of first hearing his aaaaaaawwwwkkkkwwwwaaaaarrrrrddddd, drrrraaaaaawwwwwnnnn-oooooout diiiiieeee---ooooo----llllllogue, and "Evil" unconventionally winds up spending more time in front of the camera than anybody else. There's a mystery element, yeah, but it's not "who's under the mask?" (which is only used...[read the entire Blu-ray review of New Year's Evil]


More reviews...

Stuff I've Watched Recently

  • 3/4: Doctor Who: The Time of the Doctor (Blu-ray) (Blu-ray)
  • 3/4: Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special: The Day of the Doctor (Blu-ray 3D / Blu-ray / DVD Combo) (Blu-ray)
  • 3/3: The Fall (Blu-ray)
  • 3/2: Life Partners (Blu-ray)
  • 3/2: Doctor Who: Series Seven - Part Two (Blu-ray)
  • 3/1: Gone Girl (Blu-ray)
  • 3/1: Doctor Who: The Snowmen (Blu-ray)
  • 2/28: Whiplash (Blu-ray)
  • 2/27: Big Hero 6 (Blu-ray + DVD + Digital HD) (Blu-ray)
  • 2/27: Dark Haul (Blu-ray)
  • 2/22: New Year's Evil (Blu-ray; Commentary)
  • 2/22: New Year's Evil (Blu-ray)
  • 2/21: Porco Rosso (Blu-ray)
  • 2/19: Scream, Blacula, Scream (Blu-ray)
  • 2/18: Blacula (Blu-ray; Commentary)
More of my boring video log...
 
Movies I've Acquired Recently

  • 2/27: Massacre Mafia Style Blu-ray + DVD Combo (Blu-ray)
  • 2/27: Life Partners (Blu-ray)
  • 2/20: Dark Haul (Blu-ray)
  • 2/17: Big Hero 6 (Blu-ray + DVD + Digital HD) (Blu-ray)
  • 2/17: Whiplash (Blu-ray)
  • 2/14: Porco Rosso (Blu-ray)
  • 2/14: Game of Thrones: Season 4 (Blu-Ray+Digital Copy) (Blu-ray)
  • 2/13: New Year's Evil (Blu-ray)
  • 2/12: Blacula / Scream Blacula Scream (Blu-ray)
  • 2/6: Long Weekend (Blu-ray)
  • 2/2: Her (Blu-ray + DVD) (Blu-ray)
  • 1/29: Zombie Killers (Blu-ray)
  • 1/25: Gone Girl (Blu-ray)
  • 1/19: Justice League: Throne of Atlantis (Blu-ray + DVD) (Blu-ray)
  • 1/18: Annabelle (Blu-ray + DVD) (Blu-ray)
More stuff I've bought or been sent to review...


 
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